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I'm still here!
i was all set for a fun and frothy post with crafty goodness. but you're nt getting that. You're getting angst today.
My mom went on a cruise.
She got sick her last day.
Since Sunday morning she has been in a hospital in Ft. Lauderale with pneumonia. Those playing the home game know she hae 4 heart attacks last year (but lied to me and said it was one, and very very minor and then threw it in my face a couple of months ago that it was 4 and they were NOT minor), so you know, this isn't good. It's not viral or bacterial, though, it's from mold in her ship cabin. The cabin she thought smelled like raw sewage..and yet...she slept in it for a week.
I know she is sick, really really sick. They didn't contact me until Sunday evening, because my mom left her cell phone at home in Naperville, IL and apparently told no one about my new unlisted phone number. Surprise! Of course, this was my fault somehow. How inconsiderate of me to change my phone number 6 weeks before they went on vacation, make sure they knew about it and not make sure they ALL put it in their cell phones. yeah, i'm a total bitch like that. So she called me on Sunday night and we spoke briefly. And we spoke on Monday when I called her , because I knew she was very sick and i figure I could giver her that, you know. I could make a phone call and maintain a distance.
She was suposed to come hom yesterday, on Monday I asked her if she would be traveling with oxygen. She said there was no need for that at all, she was fine. Well, there is a need. She wasn't allowed to come home yesteray because...they want her to travel with oxygen now. And you cannot just get a portable tank willy nilly and take it on an airplane. There is a lot of paperwork involved. So as of now, they hope to get her home Thursday, which makes her desperately sad.
But, she is my mother, so there is more to this. She has enough energy to be doing some game playing while in hospital. But my aunt emailed me about it last night an clued me in on something I had no idea about. My mother has COPD.
I had no idea. Oh, I suspected something was wrong with her lungs, because she can never seem to breathe. But every time she speaks to me she gets so damn mad at me I thought that was why she was wheezing and puffing. I did know she was having edema issues, but when i had asked about that she told me it was her kidneys and was from her heart attack. She lied.
It's from the emphysema. And since I googled it last night, it appears that she has pretty severe COPD from the symptoms I know about and that's just well...it is what it is. I know you don't live very long with severe COPD, it's how my granny died and frankly my granny was a far stronger woman than my mother will ever be even in her late 70s. My mom turned 60 three weeks ago and has no interest in fighting this since she has continued to smoke after being diagnosed, even thought she has a nebulizer at home full time and you know...her heart attack fest last year.
And again, she did not tell me about this at all. And in fact, lied to me about some of her symptoms. I can't wrap my head around her motivation fully right now. There is a tiny part of me that thinks "Oh, she was protecting me" but that's not true. She was using it as currency, her serious illness was her Hail Mary Pass and I think she has been biding her time to throw it in my face. Waiting for the perfect moment for me to lose control and yell at her and then "hello, how can you be so mean to a dying woman?!" Surprise! She is willing to go that far to manipulate me to get what she wants. And I am slightly astounded because, even for her, that's fucking crazy.
And I don't know quite how she ended up so broken and why she is so willing to try and break me. But I o see that the stronger I have gotten, the more desperate she has gotten. And she gets much more willing to hurt me deeply. For what? To be closer to me?
I pity her, but today I don't feel sad for her anymore. I feel angry that she is so willing to do this. She has broken things so badly and really led me to think it was all my fault and that I was selfish and I was the problem. I don't know why she needs to push me away, but it has worked, the only problem is that it worked better than she planned and now her efforts to pull me back in don't work anymore.
On Monday she cried and cried on the phone when I called her. I was asking her to stop crying because it's just not good for her right now and she carried on saying she was so scared and thought she was going to die and how she needed me in her life and understood things better now. And it's all manipulation.
I think I am expected to call her today and I really don't want to. I'm not feeling too anxious about it, I just really don't want to hear her voice. I don't want anything to do with her.
And sometime i will tell you about my sister, because she has dug rock bottom even deeper than I thought possible.
My mom went on a cruise.
She got sick her last day.
Since Sunday morning she has been in a hospital in Ft. Lauderale with pneumonia. Those playing the home game know she hae 4 heart attacks last year (but lied to me and said it was one, and very very minor and then threw it in my face a couple of months ago that it was 4 and they were NOT minor), so you know, this isn't good. It's not viral or bacterial, though, it's from mold in her ship cabin. The cabin she thought smelled like raw sewage..and yet...she slept in it for a week.
I know she is sick, really really sick. They didn't contact me until Sunday evening, because my mom left her cell phone at home in Naperville, IL and apparently told no one about my new unlisted phone number. Surprise! Of course, this was my fault somehow. How inconsiderate of me to change my phone number 6 weeks before they went on vacation, make sure they knew about it and not make sure they ALL put it in their cell phones. yeah, i'm a total bitch like that. So she called me on Sunday night and we spoke briefly. And we spoke on Monday when I called her , because I knew she was very sick and i figure I could giver her that, you know. I could make a phone call and maintain a distance.
She was suposed to come hom yesterday, on Monday I asked her if she would be traveling with oxygen. She said there was no need for that at all, she was fine. Well, there is a need. She wasn't allowed to come home yesteray because...they want her to travel with oxygen now. And you cannot just get a portable tank willy nilly and take it on an airplane. There is a lot of paperwork involved. So as of now, they hope to get her home Thursday, which makes her desperately sad.
But, she is my mother, so there is more to this. She has enough energy to be doing some game playing while in hospital. But my aunt emailed me about it last night an clued me in on something I had no idea about. My mother has COPD.
I had no idea. Oh, I suspected something was wrong with her lungs, because she can never seem to breathe. But every time she speaks to me she gets so damn mad at me I thought that was why she was wheezing and puffing. I did know she was having edema issues, but when i had asked about that she told me it was her kidneys and was from her heart attack. She lied.
It's from the emphysema. And since I googled it last night, it appears that she has pretty severe COPD from the symptoms I know about and that's just well...it is what it is. I know you don't live very long with severe COPD, it's how my granny died and frankly my granny was a far stronger woman than my mother will ever be even in her late 70s. My mom turned 60 three weeks ago and has no interest in fighting this since she has continued to smoke after being diagnosed, even thought she has a nebulizer at home full time and you know...her heart attack fest last year.
And again, she did not tell me about this at all. And in fact, lied to me about some of her symptoms. I can't wrap my head around her motivation fully right now. There is a tiny part of me that thinks "Oh, she was protecting me" but that's not true. She was using it as currency, her serious illness was her Hail Mary Pass and I think she has been biding her time to throw it in my face. Waiting for the perfect moment for me to lose control and yell at her and then "hello, how can you be so mean to a dying woman?!" Surprise! She is willing to go that far to manipulate me to get what she wants. And I am slightly astounded because, even for her, that's fucking crazy.
And I don't know quite how she ended up so broken and why she is so willing to try and break me. But I o see that the stronger I have gotten, the more desperate she has gotten. And she gets much more willing to hurt me deeply. For what? To be closer to me?
I pity her, but today I don't feel sad for her anymore. I feel angry that she is so willing to do this. She has broken things so badly and really led me to think it was all my fault and that I was selfish and I was the problem. I don't know why she needs to push me away, but it has worked, the only problem is that it worked better than she planned and now her efforts to pull me back in don't work anymore.
On Monday she cried and cried on the phone when I called her. I was asking her to stop crying because it's just not good for her right now and she carried on saying she was so scared and thought she was going to die and how she needed me in her life and understood things better now. And it's all manipulation.
I think I am expected to call her today and I really don't want to. I'm not feeling too anxious about it, I just really don't want to hear her voice. I don't want anything to do with her.
And sometime i will tell you about my sister, because she has dug rock bottom even deeper than I thought possible.